Some years ago, in response to a colleague’s challenge to write a County and Western song that made use of every cliche there was, I wrote: “They’re Playing Our Song on the Jukebox, but You’re Singing and Different Tune” and “The Light at the End of the Tunnel Doesn’t Shine on Me Anymore.”
I then had them put to music, found a singer, made a cassette of them, entered a contest and, after winning an honorable mention, (which I later learned everyone who entered won) sent them to a genuine music agent, who said my Tunnel song was the worst piece of garbage he ever heard. That was the nicest thing he offered.
Thus, learning that my songs were not going to set Nashville on fire, I put my song-writing pen away where it has languished for the last 30 years. But now, it has arisen, once again, because, well, we need a Country and Western song that is right for today. So, without further ado, I present:
“E-mail Me a Beer”
You’re sitting in your house and I’m sitting in mine
Keeping boredom away, going out of my mind.
This virus pandemic has kept us apart
So our romance is off to a rough start.
I went to the fridge seeking something to drink
What I saw there made me start to think
Shelves were empty and looked grim at best
Needed some help to put my thirst to rest.
Oh honey, e-mail me a beer to help me get through
This quarantine time, there’s so little to do.
Just attach it to e-mail and send it to me
The in-box is ready as you can see.
I’ll ignore whatever browser you use
That’s not important so you just choose,
Bing and Safari, G-mail and Yahoo
Just hurry along and ship me a brew.
My yearning for you, of course that comes first
But coming in second is quenching my thirst
When this is all over, to the sunset we’ll sail.
Just you and my boat and, of course, my ale.
E-mail me a beer and don’t be lax.
If you’re stymied, maybe try a fax.
I love you more than words can say.
So e-mail me a beer and make my day.
I don’t know about you, but when this whole thing is over, I’m heading to Tennessee.